I'm not really sure what to do with this one. My last month has been something like this. Add in Tuesday night at the hospital with my very pregnant wife (relax, it looks like it's nothing to worry about...) and you can start to get a sense of how much patience I have. So my wife is on bedrest, I'm slammed at work on Thursday, head straight home after to the grocery store and so on... I grab my backpack, all 6 bags of groceries and head through the back yard for the back door.
Excuse me. Excuse me! You're peeing on my house.
I walk right past the door to the front gate, where a middle-aged Asian man with nice dress pants and a tie is relieving himself, or should I say, drowing my gate and bushes in the front yard.
"Hey! What the F**K are you doing!"
"I'm very sorry sir," he says as he continues to firehose my house.
"Well... F**king stop! Get the f**k out of here" I say as begin to contemplate knocking him across his face with 2 quarts of soy milk. I could just kill him.
"I'm sorry sir I can't just stop midstream."
"You s*n of a b*tch, you're still going."
"Afraid so sir, I can't stop, really had to go. I feel bad."
There I stood, five feet from a stranger, hose-in-hand, just across the other side of the fence. So you're just gonna DO that right there. With me standing there. Yep.
I almost felt like tackling him and twisting his head around in circles, like in the Exorcist, waiting for it to pop off. Then I'd eat his face and gouge his eyes out with my thumbs, spitting half-eaten face meat all over him, all while I curse and degrade he and anyone in his family. I'd pee on his twitching headless body and then cut it into five thousand pieces and light it on fire. That'll teach him.
It was right at this point where I actually had a moment of clarity. If I do that, I'll probably get pee'd on, because he's still fucking peeing on my house!
My wife came out, we shamed him and went inside.
Do they pee on houses in the suburbs?
13 comments:
"face-meat"... good lord.
At least he apologized.
I'm going to crap on your doorstep this
weekend. And I can't stop mid-stream either.
I'm going to go above and beyond myself right now and not reveal to my readers (ie Mom and Dad) who "tomato face" really is. Thanks for that post, my parents really appreciate it. That's professional. Ho ho ho.
You're right. Sorry, Mom and Dad. Next time I'll act more like Casey and just use a bunch of f-words and threaten to mutilate people.
I must admit I am a bit ashamed of myself for laughing at this post, but it really is sort of mind-boggling to think about walking up to someone peeing on one's house. In the suburbs, I think I might have called the police, but I realize this is probably not an option in the city. I guess I don't understand why he wasn't in the alley or something. And, you must realize that this is just a grown up version of one of your nephews doing something similar. Therefore, don't teach little boys to pee wherever they feel the need.
the weird part is that this gentleman actually got out of a car to explicitly urinate on our house. how he selected our house is beyond me -- there must be something very appealing about that two square feet of yard that incites men to urinate there. pissing in the alley isn't much better, frankly. casey actually did call the cops with a plate number -- they were like, "no offense, but we've got bigger fish to fry."
i had a good time channeling my mom's "shame on YOUUUUUUUUUUU!" tactics. just ridiculous.
boys... lord, help me.
Jeez, he could have at least done it in the alley!
I think that it would have been cool to whip out a ph testing stick and tell him that you need to test his urine ph so that you know whether it is too alkali for your lilies. (I've been chasing Socks and Grace around with spa strips to test urine ph. Much energy has been spent trying to find efficient ways of. Grace thinks I'm bonkers and Socks - well she's blind and deaf and just gets a bit startled. Finally came up with taping the strip over their genitals. If anything, it makes me laugh.)
Hey! Consider this gentleman a good outlet for your pent up frustration. He will probably have a story to tell his wife about a crazy mad mane who caught him peeing on his lilies.
i think his wife was driving the getaway car.
How'd you get that cool pix? Did you actually have time to run inside get your camera and run out and catch him in the act? Have you considered sending the photo to "America's Most Wanted"? And finally, what do you expect living in the city! I know you'll love that one! cheers, teh
The picture is actually part of my fascination with public urination. I actually took that pic in New Delhi where the signs everywhere say 'no peeing'.
What's funnier about this is what happened three weeks ago. We came home through the garage only to find a young black man squatting and peeing inside the gate in the back yard, while he ate corn on the cob. He ran the minute I saw him and left the half eaten cob.
From now on, people, just come over ring the bell, wipe your feet, pee in the garden, then come on in. Now that's hospitality.
...just let me check your ph first so that you don'tburn my hostas. (or is it hosti?
it's hosta, i think.
P - You would answer that.
We are having an Irish wake this evening for Sarah's dog, "Clifford". He jumped out of her car, ran into the street and got hit by a semi right in front of her. What a horrible thing. I told her not to feel guilty about this. These things happen. The thing that tore at my heart strings, though, is when she said that her Mom was taking care of Clifford now. I told her to write an instruction manual for her so that she doesn't mess him up. I actually got a chuckle out of her.
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