Flying is Fun (vol 1)

This blog entry is rated R and NFM (not for Moms.)

Some random musings from 35,000 ft...

You ever notice how it's nearly impossible to wash your hands in an airline lavatory? If anything, it's a finger bath. And if you can manage to get some soap on your palms, good luck boss, you'll never get it off. The depth of the spout is not quite two inches, barely enough to get your fingernails clean. I know space is limited, but c'mon already!

This one really gets me. I'm in a window seat. "Pardon me, I need to use the lavatory." She just sits there. Oh no, don't get up! I'll just climb over you like a monkey. We've got so much room in here. Well, if that's the way it's gonna be, here's a little ass-in-yer-face lady. Fine.

We can clone animals, build space stations, and satellites. We can fly to the moon. We can fit 15,000 songs on a hard drive as big as a deck of cards. Why can't we figure out a way to make shit not stink and flush without leaving any trace. I was in line for the lavatory, and when I stepped in, not only was there a waft of unsettling, nose-crinkling air-from-down-there, but when I lifted the lid to begin my aiming process, there were remnants of something from another planet stuck to the stainless bowl. Now I don't have kids yet, but I get a good case of the gags when I'm staring down at someone else's assbatter. I spose it's not just an airline thing, but surely a good place to start inventing. So two ideas there. Super-slip-no-stick toilet bowls. Somebody get on it. Secondly, we got Beano already. How bout Butto! I can see the commercial already:

"Need to drop one on a date? Do your movements make others move? Did you drink draft beer last night and have 2 Egg McMuffins this morning? If you answered yes to any of these, you need Butto. For clean-air-from-down-there!"

Next up, why the whole big ordeal with the cart in the aisle? Give people a can of coke or a water as they're getting on the plane. Done. Roll through the aisles quickly to pick up trash. C'mon already, some of us have to pee! I reached near panic mode today waiting for the cart, then with please-take-your-seats-turbulance, and so on. I had visions of just standing up, droppping trau, and lettin' her rip right there in the aisle. Take that! Stupid Cart People.

Hmm... What else. How bout the classic asshole in front of me reclining his seat. Roger-recliner. Probably the only one on the whole plane and he's in front of me. I love typing with my laptop against my chest with the lid nearly closed. And good luck retrieving anything from your bag under the seat. If you're an advanced yogi, you might be able to get to the front pocket of your briefcase. I'd like to rapidly shake his seat back and forth as hard as I can and yell "No, No, No, Reclino Por Favor!" If you can remember Kevin Kline in Fish Called Wanda beating John Clease as he robs his own home, then you get my delivery.

Here's another one. "Sir, are you prepared and able to use the Emergency Exit door in the unlikely event of an Emergency." Are you fucking kidding me? If the plane doesn't explode into a billion bits of fiery inferno, you're fucking-a-right I'll tear that door down. I'll barrel through a 12 foot cement wall with my bare hands if need be. "Yes, ma'am, 'course I will." Dummy.

We all are familiar with the child behind us kicking our chair. No need to go there. But how 'bout the loud typer next to me. Let's call her Tabitha-types-so-hard. I bet she goes through a laptop every 3 months. Her fingers snap back like rubber bands, miles away from the keyboard after each letter, then "SNAP!" I'm so glad she's working on a novel. Da-da! Da-da! Backspace! I wouldn't be suprised to see Titanium finger tips. Enough with the arrow keys. If you hold down the key, it'll move rapidly, Tabs. I'm sorry, but could you please put some gloves on. How bout putting the pillow on top of the keys. Better yet, why don't you start snapping those robot fingers down on Roger-Recline's eyeballs. I'll hold 'em open.

Oh hey, that's the Captain. Gotta run. We're getting ready to circle O'Hare for 45 minutes, then sit on the runway with no gate.

"It's now time to put away laptops, portable electronics and any other items and personal belongings. Please be careful when opening overhead bins as items may have shifted during flight." Is that really the best way to say this? So what if they shift. You mean they might fall on you. I've got a better one:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, you've all got some really heavy shit up there in those bins, so be careful, the overhead bins aren't really meant for all your crap. You're kidding me. You actually bought that 6 foot Toblerone bar at a Duty-Free in Mexico. Good one. Anyway, there's a good chance with the non-stop turbulence we experienced during the three hour flight, that some of your crap might come barreling down on you. Most of you didn't pack it in properly in the first place, so maybe it's best to get four of five of you to open the bin. We'll be on the ground shortly."